The banquet is coming up quickly.
At first, I was so nervous about it. I was nervous that I would have to be thrown in this room with all his friends and me. It was a big idea to get through my head but as time went on I became more and more excited.
It would be a night with this boyfriend that I have always dreamed of. I would be able to laugh, smile and make memories with him. But theres one catch.
He doesn’t want to dance with me.
That honestly breaks my heart. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, like I can’t be that person to make him comfortable enough to be silly with me. Like I’m not good enough to show off. Like he can’t do this one little thing while I’m going to this whole big night with all his friends and all. All I want is one dance. I always dreamed of this.
It could be our chance at a ‘prom night’ together that we missed in high school. Ugh I really wish. It would be so cute if he asked me all cute and stuff, I would honestly probably cry. It’s always nice to dream, Right?
I sit here crying in my dark room, on my bed. I should be asleep but I can’t seem to fall into slumber tonight.
You just left and it was a really bad fight tonight.
Being me honestly.
We fought what seems like a thousand fights tonight, some of which I honestly don’t recall already. Isn’t that so pathetic? We fight these huge, disastrous fights and then I can’t remember them five minutes later, maybe its because I choose to block them out; to forget all of the bad things.
I just feel like I’m the world’s worst boyfriend.
Tonight you told me that you “might” wrap your car around a pole. And then got mad at me because I didn’t want you to leave right away. I wanted to make you feel better, to make sure you were okay.
You could do so much better than me.
We stood there in the kitchen, being angry at each other. I saw this unbearable sadness in your eyes when you told me you feel like no one would care; you felt like I didn’t care. I would be absolutely heartbroken. I would be devastated. I would feel like it was all my fault, like I could have prevented it. I would stay in bed all day and night, I wouldn’t get changed or shower, I honestly wouldn’t care about me anymore.
I don’t ever want to see anything happen to you okay babe? You mean the world to me.
This week has been a different one in my life. As I sit here typing away, I am getting cute messages from Conner.
“I love you so much.”
Conner is my boyfriend of 10 months on January 26, 2017. That is such an odd sentence. I cannot even fathom how I feel about this person.
“You’re my favorite person in the world.”
I wish I could sit here and tell you everything about him, every speckle of green in his big brown eyes, every bulging vein in his arms, every dorky smile he’s smiled at me for no reason but that would take years. I would rewrite and retype what I want to say because I would want to describe him so perfectly because that’s what he is; perfect.
Back to what I was saying, as usual I got lost in my endless thoughts about him. We have had such a great week and for a reason we can’t seem to figure out. We have has so many ups and downs in our 10 months that we really deserve to be deeply and passionately into each other again. Now, I am not saying that we haven’t always been that way but for a while it was hard for us. We would fight about the littlest and dumbest things ever. But 2017 is our year, babe.
I pledge to you that I will be better. I pledge that I will pay more attention to your feelings and how I make you feel. I promise that this good week will turn into a good month and then a great year for us.
I have planned out our future many times over in my head. What it will be like to wake up next to you everyday, what it will be like to have you kiss my pregnant belly, what it will be like to kiss you passionately after saying “I do.”