The banquet is coming up quickly.
At first, I was so nervous about it. I was nervous that I would have to be thrown in this room with all his friends and me. It was a big idea to get through my head but as time went on I became more and more excited.
It would be a night with this boyfriend that I have always dreamed of. I would be able to laugh, smile and make memories with him. But theres one catch.
He doesn’t want to dance with me.
That honestly breaks my heart. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, like I can’t be that person to make him comfortable enough to be silly with me. Like I’m not good enough to show off. Like he can’t do this one little thing while I’m going to this whole big night with all his friends and all. All I want is one dance. I always dreamed of this.
It could be our chance at a ‘prom night’ together that we missed in high school. Ugh I really wish. It would be so cute if he asked me all cute and stuff, I would honestly probably cry. It’s always nice to dream, Right?
I sit here crying in my dark room, on my bed. I should be asleep but I can’t seem to fall into slumber tonight.
You just left and it was a really bad fight tonight.
Being me honestly.
We fought what seems like a thousand fights tonight, some of which I honestly don’t recall already. Isn’t that so pathetic? We fight these huge, disastrous fights and then I can’t remember them five minutes later, maybe its because I choose to block them out; to forget all of the bad things.
I just feel like I’m the world’s worst boyfriend.
Tonight you told me that you “might” wrap your car around a pole. And then got mad at me because I didn’t want you to leave right away. I wanted to make you feel better, to make sure you were okay.
You could do so much better than me.
We stood there in the kitchen, being angry at each other. I saw this unbearable sadness in your eyes when you told me you feel like no one would care; you felt like I didn’t care. I would be absolutely heartbroken. I would be devastated. I would feel like it was all my fault, like I could have prevented it. I would stay in bed all day and night, I wouldn’t get changed or shower, I honestly wouldn’t care about me anymore.
I don’t ever want to see anything happen to you okay babe? You mean the world to me.
I took it upon myself to make this one count. This is the first real valentine’s day from conner and i haven’t had any good ones so i wanted this to be special for me too. I went to Barnes & Nobles to get some erotic books to spice things up because you wanted them. i went all out and got a card and wrote in “our book”. I clean up my room and made a fort with all my blankets and pillows and worked really hard on it. I was so nervous when you walked in and i was so happy that you loved it.
yes i loved the flowers, they were so beautiful. Thank you a thousand times over
but, i was sad. i was sad that you didn’t even get a card for me. how pathetic am i? i couldn’t help to think about it, i know that you always take me out to dinner and all but it make me so sad. i just wanted our first valentines day to make me feel loved and feel better because I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time and I’ve had an awful week.
I’m losing sight. I can’t seem to get any better and that’s all I want. I just want to get better.
The walls are crashing down all around me, the ceiling caving in. Am I going to get stuck again? Or am I going to find a way out?
My nervousness is getting unbearable and I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I feel like I’m just existing. I want to be able to go out and live life. I want to be able to smile and laugh and be happy 24/7.
Is that too much to ask for?
I failed myself last night. I let my emotions over run me.
This weekend I fell in love again. I fell for everything I saw in you again. We had our ups and downs, obviously but we got back from them. I wanted to be with you, sleep with you. I wanted to feel your body warmth against mine. I am glad I got to do all those things. I loved watching you at the car show, seeing how happy you were. Sometimes I wonder if they make you happier than me. But you were so cute. And so scared when I was dizzy. I loved it.
You told me you got butterflies today. I blushed. I love you
I sit here as you write me a letter. You look so cute right now. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and never let go.
We talked about apartments today. Somehow I feel like you are hesitate to do it. You seemed distant when I talked about it; like my words hung in the thick air around us. I want to be able to go to sleep with you and wake up the same. I feel like you don’t want to leave your house and that kills me. I don’t want to either though. I am definitely not ready to leave but I think about it always. I don’t know if we would be better off living together or not. I really hope so.
Even though I feel like you aren’t ready to even think about it, I cannot wait for it to happen. You are so sexy when you are angry. Your eyebrows peak and seem to frown.
I cannot wait to do your laundry and fall asleep on our couch. I cannot wait for you to make us breakfast. I cannot wait to see your thin body get dressed every morning and me pulling you back in bed when I don’t want you to leave.
You smile that adorable smile when you catch me looking at you. I cannot express how much I love you.